Is the Control Worth the Passion?

Letter to My Ancestors...

To my elders, ancestors and all who have gone before me...I want to apologize on behalf of a generation. We apologize for taking your zeal for our rights for granted. We weren't there that faithful day that a tired woman refused to give up her seat, igniting CHANGE. We weren't there when a man was shot who only dreamed of his people living in peace and harmony. Yet, we're here to all-too-often forget what you've done for us; how you have paved the way so that we may have limitless goals. You lived in a time where ambition was a sin, not a virtue. You lived when Poverty was the best friend of many races...and yet you prevailed. You, our mothers, whose strong arms chastised us and hug us from the basis of the same emotion. You, are fathers, whose legs carried you miles and miles to work in misery and ran to our rescue. It is on your shoulders that we stand today.
Secondly, we thank you. We appreciate you instilling the Word of God within us. We are thankful your sacrifices, your struggle and your steadfastness. You taught us that something worth anything is worth fighting for, and that fight and determination has carried us through the ages. That fight has gotten us, as a people, a right to vote, the right to the same education as the next person...and ancestors, let me tell you, that fight has gotten us A PRESIDENT. But, we know our fight is far from over; it has just begun. Hopefully, now, as a FAMILY, our race will be held more accountable. Our family will raise the bar through self-reliance and self-determination. We will follow your example and help our brother or sister in need, not shun them away from sheer selfishness.
Oh...elders and ancestors, don't think we don't owe you. We owe you for every tear you shed, every imprisonment you were subjected to, every lynching of your son or daughter. We owe you for going beyond being just a “nigger”; you were intelligent, courageous and self-confident. You were not only Harvard graduates, but you were mine workers. You were not only doctors and lawyers, but cooks and maids as well. YOU made it possible...and you didn't even know. YOU made it possible...without even asking anything in return. We owe you for setting a standard, and never lowering it, not even when we disappointed you.
We apologize, we thank you, we owe you...your long-suffering has NOT been forgotten.

ugh...

...fighting with my sinuses. Don't feel like doing anything, but the life of a student-athlete must continue. I need my nails and my hair done. I feel like a wretch. However, I am seeing my BEST friends from Maryland in about 3 days, I get my scholarship refund check back tomorrow...so this day is kinda like my purgatory. Once I'm over that Tuesday hump, it's all downhill from there. Plus I'm kinda looking forward to taking my Benadryl after practice. When it's hard to get sleep, a drug-induced one is welcomed and celebrated. Fighting with my recent breakup. But I will NOT let that situation control my attitude or how my day goes. okay, okay. I'll try my best not to.

complaining mood today, so I hope I am avoided by everyone...and Murphy's Law, this is when everyone is gonna be in my face. argh.

Just a Few Things I've Noticed...

It has recently been brought to my attention that the first impression is NOT always the best one. Someone could have been having a bad day, could've just broken up with their boyfriend/girlfriend, or even could've vomited five minutes ago, and I don't care who you are, an unexpected vomit session could ruin your day. A good friend of mine, whom I held in very high regard, just informed me that he almost shot someone over a scuff on the front of his truck and an unfriendly look in the club. This completely shattered my view of him. Take people's first impression of me: people have given me a variety of different answers when I ask them, but my favorite is "conceited bitch." Everyone has heard the Remy Ma single, "Conceited", where she boasts, "...and I look too good to be wearing this..." and other self-oriented, mundane foolishness. Well, I don't think that about myself. I don't look too good for my clothes; if that was the case I wouldn't have bought them...which leads me to my next question: do we really know ourselves enough to give a completely true first impression, short of, "Hi, my name is Bill, and I'm a narcissistic, pessimistic megalomaniac"?

Flowers Can Grow from Where Dirt Used to Be...

> So, I just broke up with my on-again, off-again boyfriend of four years...again, and I'm finally thinking with my head instead of my heart. Strangely, the advice came from someone I never would have imagined: an elderly male cop. I took off the promise ring he gave me for our four year anniversary, I threw away the souvenir Moet bottle from the same night...and realized I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't do the fights and the arguments. I couldn't do the crying-myself-to-sleep and the compromising-myself song and dance anymore. I am a witness that love and relationships will make people do stupid things. I loved this man; I cared for him. I washed his clothes. I cleaned up his vomit. I have driven to the ends of the earth in my Ford Focus...and back. I can't do it anymore. Don't get me wrong; this all sounds great. However, at the end of the day, my biggest fear is losing the one that was truly meant for me. Is this the man that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with? Is it my true destiny to fight for this relationship EVERY DAY tooth and nail? I don't want to. Life is complicated enough without adding an estranged chaotic mess of a partnership into the mix. The worst part is we're not even married. So, here I sit, questioning the eternal battle of heart and head: where do I go from here? Do I just call it quits and jump ship because there are other fish in the sea, or do I keep swimming? Do I really want to throw away four years of time, energy and money just to start over? Women have started over for years; hence Waiting to Exhale. I thought I'd found my oxygen. I feel like this has been a small eternity. These four years have tried my patience, stretched my money and given me migraines. I have burned pictures, cooked breakfast and spent an immeasurable amount of gas. So I guess the real question would be: HOW do I start over? How do women that have been in decade spanning relationships begin again? I wish I knew the secret. My heart has been ripped into shreds and I have no idea where that one last piece is. The shards are all over and someone has used the last of the glue. I'm an unraveled catastrophe. Ever since I was a young girl I have been planning my wedding and my dream groom. I thought I'd found him, but he had no plans of marrying me...ever. We signed gifts together, we had picnics on the beach...just about every romantic thing a couple under 25 can do. But I don't know if his past insecurities or a subconscious fear, but this man was NEVER going to marry me. I'm kind of glad he hadn't asked me; our marriage would be a disaster. He is jealous and possessive, and I am passive aggressive and controlling. As I sit here, I don't really know why we broke up. I mean, of course there is the fact that I called the police on him after he tried to steal my car. But the real, underlying reason....I'm unaware of. I'll be in therapy 10 years from now, single, wondering why I didn't end up with my high school sweetheart. We were perfect for each other: he's an English major and I'm majoring in mass communications with a minor in English. We both were athletes, we both love sushi, God was the cornerstone in our lives...we were Kimora Lee and Russell. However, like all rich, seemingly perfect couples, at the risk of sounding cliché, things aren't always what they seem. I don't have the 30 g's to shop till I drop to make myself happy, so...where to from here? Which way is up? How do I move the elusive mountain Usher sings about? Or the bigger question: do I want to?