Monday, November 10, 2008

Flowers Can Grow from Where Dirt Used to Be...

> So, I just broke up with my on-again, off-again boyfriend of four years...again, and I'm finally thinking with my head instead of my heart. Strangely, the advice came from someone I never would have imagined: an elderly male cop. I took off the promise ring he gave me for our four year anniversary, I threw away the souvenir Moet bottle from the same night...and realized I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't do the fights and the arguments. I couldn't do the crying-myself-to-sleep and the compromising-myself song and dance anymore. I am a witness that love and relationships will make people do stupid things. I loved this man; I cared for him. I washed his clothes. I cleaned up his vomit. I have driven to the ends of the earth in my Ford Focus...and back. I can't do it anymore. Don't get me wrong; this all sounds great. However, at the end of the day, my biggest fear is losing the one that was truly meant for me. Is this the man that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with? Is it my true destiny to fight for this relationship EVERY DAY tooth and nail? I don't want to. Life is complicated enough without adding an estranged chaotic mess of a partnership into the mix. The worst part is we're not even married. So, here I sit, questioning the eternal battle of heart and head: where do I go from here? Do I just call it quits and jump ship because there are other fish in the sea, or do I keep swimming? Do I really want to throw away four years of time, energy and money just to start over? Women have started over for years; hence Waiting to Exhale. I thought I'd found my oxygen. I feel like this has been a small eternity. These four years have tried my patience, stretched my money and given me migraines. I have burned pictures, cooked breakfast and spent an immeasurable amount of gas. So I guess the real question would be: HOW do I start over? How do women that have been in decade spanning relationships begin again? I wish I knew the secret. My heart has been ripped into shreds and I have no idea where that one last piece is. The shards are all over and someone has used the last of the glue. I'm an unraveled catastrophe. Ever since I was a young girl I have been planning my wedding and my dream groom. I thought I'd found him, but he had no plans of marrying me...ever. We signed gifts together, we had picnics on the beach...just about every romantic thing a couple under 25 can do. But I don't know if his past insecurities or a subconscious fear, but this man was NEVER going to marry me. I'm kind of glad he hadn't asked me; our marriage would be a disaster. He is jealous and possessive, and I am passive aggressive and controlling. As I sit here, I don't really know why we broke up. I mean, of course there is the fact that I called the police on him after he tried to steal my car. But the real, underlying reason....I'm unaware of. I'll be in therapy 10 years from now, single, wondering why I didn't end up with my high school sweetheart. We were perfect for each other: he's an English major and I'm majoring in mass communications with a minor in English. We both were athletes, we both love sushi, God was the cornerstone in our lives...we were Kimora Lee and Russell. However, like all rich, seemingly perfect couples, at the risk of sounding cliché, things aren't always what they seem. I don't have the 30 g's to shop till I drop to make myself happy, so...where to from here? Which way is up? How do I move the elusive mountain Usher sings about? Or the bigger question: do I want to?

No comments: